Legolas and his Crackers and Salami
by Mr. Random
Summary: A series of Short stories involving Legolas getting into odd predicaments. Very short chapters.
1. Harry Potter makes Legolas mad

Disclaimer- I dont own any of the characters, only the plot.

Legolas was riding his horse while eating crackers. Suddenly without Legolas noticing Harry Potter appeared and started hitting him with a handbag. Legolas got mad and started hitting Harry with half frozen lumps of salami. Harry deflected those with his arm and he started to cry. Gandalf appeared and started yelling at Legolas for hurting a fellow wizard. Legolas got so mad that he joined evil. Harry was confused why Legolas left. He was crying because his tailbone hurt. Gandalf told him not to worry and nothing would happen. Legolas blew up the world and he made this end.

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Author notes- Very short and edited (as of now, it is better than before) Please review!

Mr. Random


	2. Legolas and the pit he fell in

Disclaimer- I don't own anything except the plot

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"Yum, salami and crackers." Legolas thought. Legolas was sitting over a pit of fire on a rickety bridge. He was eating crackers and salami. On the two sides of him were two armies shooting at each other. But Legolas didn't notice. He was too interested in his crackers and salami. But then someone gave him swiss cheese. He looked up to see who it was and was punched off the bridge. Legolas fell into a pit of fire. But it wasn't really fire. It was jelly. Did you really think I would kill Legolas this early in the chapter? So he fell into the fire that was really jelly. But there are monsters in the jelly. Giant snakes.

Do you really think that I would kill Legolas this early in the chapter? Of course not. They were gummy worms. But the pit of fire that really is jelly and has giant snakes in it has acid. It is filling up the hole as you read this. Do you really think I would kill Legolas now? I would but I didn't. It was just Mountain Dew. Legolas managed to climb out of the hole. He was very confused on why everything was like food. There were Popsicle trees, pudding pools, and houses made of bread. Why?

Legolas went to visit Gandalf. Gandalf was always right. Or so Legolas thought. When Legolas arrived at Gandalf's house he saw it was all colored with hippie stuff. Legolas was getting scared of this alternate world. Legolas still went inside and saw Gandalf sitting in a bean bag. When Legolas asked Gandalf what was wrong with the world Gandalf just said that the world had just changed its colors. Now Legolas would usually just run screaming from the house but this required special attention. Legolas shot himself in the head with his bow. He woke up. He realized he was hungry.

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Author notes- Sorry about the delay. I have been busy and on vacation. Please R&R.(Has been edited, sorta)


	3. Poor Legolas

I am so sorry for the delay I have been real busy, and not real motivated. I will update more, I promise.

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Poor Legolas, always the depressed one. He cannot go skydiving, because he knows he can't die. He can't go swimming, because he knows he can't drown. And he cant practice archery, because he got drunk and shot his dad. Poor Legolas, always the unlucky one. Or so he thought. It turns out; Gimli was in a good mood, so he bought Legolas a lottery ticket. So now Legolas had a lottery ticket.

And he won. Legolas the unlucky one won the lottery. He was now rich. Very rich. He now had 2.6369547895 million dollars. And it was all his. His precious. His money. His own money, his love.

Poor Legolas. He got robbed. He now has only 3 dollars. Poor Legolas, no more precious. Legolas is sad. He has a car. He is over 21. He can go to a bar. He can drink beer. And he did.

Poor Legolas. He is in jail. He was drunk. He was driving. Poor Legolas. Poor Legolas. Ha, ha Legolas.

Author notes- woah, odd, am editing and this... RANDOMNESS ROCKS!

-Reviewers

Ice Apparition Princess- I am crazy, and I do like sugar. And I hope you like this chapter.

grundo-nekotb- Yes. veggie salami is all you can eat, but I can eat real Salami. Ha Ha Ha.

AvengingTeenX-SPider.12- I would have killed him early, but I have chapter length to think about.

Strider-Stalker- Should I fear for my safety?

Random Person number 3- Then go to the grocery store :)

Pointy-eared-elfs- He only died in a dream so he is not really dead.

JCsDancerGurl- But remember, Legolas is perfect.


	4. Christmas lights

Welcome back. As I am sitting here waiting for my dad to bring home extended, I realized something. I WAS BORED! So boredom and writing equals THIS!

Update- I remember attempting to put this up, but it didn't work, so I waited…and forgot…So now on the first of May I put it up and hope I get reviews!

Legolas was decorating for Christmas. His house (the mansion Peter Jackson bought him so he would shut up) was very big. So Legolas went to his local Target, and bought Christmas lights. He started decorating and didn't notice the lights wrapping around his leg. So he tripped and fell over the edge. He didn't die, because of the lights. So Legolas is the person whose life has been saved by Christmas lights.

Legolas wrote an ad, about how Target brand lights saved his life. So he decided to have the world come and see him turn on his lights. Legolas has to finish his lights. So Legolas gets his Red out. He adds his red in a circle. Legolas gets his blue lights, he adds a circle around his red. He gets all the others and has a circle around them.

Everyone came to see these lights being turned on. Legolas makes a speech. He sees the switch in the center of the circle. He climbs the ladder. He flips on the switch. All we see is Legolas frying with electricity. The ambulance comes and picks Legolas up. A Target employee whispers to another "good thing those weren't Target brand, they were Wal-Mart's."

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NO OFFENSE TO ANYONE WHO WORKS IN THESE 2 STORES. I just picked the first 2 that came to mind. I don't feel like answering reviews right now. So please review, and I will answer in next chapter.(Edited sorta)


	5. When I look at the Stars

When I look at the Stars

Legolas had always had great eyesight. He would always win inn games requiring eyes. He likes making fun of all the humans and dwarves with the eyesight of a worm. He laughs at them and sometimes even makes them cry. Dwarves are much more emotional than you would have thought by looking at them. Legolas got bored of making fun of them, so he decided to go camping.

He had everything packed, all his hair supplies, his tent, matches, food, marshmallows, graham crackers and chocolate. He got onto his horse, and left for a site. After about an hours ride, he came to a spot, and unpacked. He had a wonderful time catching his hair on fire trying to start a fire. He finally got it going, and enjoyed some lembas and s'mores. He finally decided to go to bed at about 9:00, he needed his beauty sleep.

He slept fine for a couple of hours. But after a while he needed to use the restroom. So he left for the bathroom. He came out and looked up. The stars were so bright. But Legolas' eyes were too good. He looked at them and was immediately blinded. He staggered back to his campsite, and fell asleep. When he woke up, he couldn't see. So he decided to leave. He got on what he thought was his horse. And fell off. It wasn't his horse, but a large rock over the edge of a cliff. We must all remember Legolas, Hair-obsessed elf, who had really good eyesight.

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Author notes- Another chapter done. Review please!


	6. When I look at the Stars Part 2

When I look at the Stars part 2

Legolas gasped for air as he landed on an island, suddenly cured of his blindness by the valar. He was in the middle of an ocean, on a small island with a life supply of lembas and water, and a large forest. He thought he was dead. But he wasn't, because he was still alive. Legolas had survived a fall onto sharp rocks which led to the ocean, and survived drifting on his hair, which was so filled with hair supplies that it was buoyant. Legolas mentally laughed. Would Gimli have survived…nooo. His hair was so greasy and filled with who knows what, that it adds 20 pounds to Gimli's weight. But then Legolas remembered where he was and decided not to make fun of Gimli.

After a couple of weeks on the island, life was pretty boring. Sitting, thinking, using natural things for hair care products. But then Legolas was stuck with an idea. Why didn't he cure one of the trees on the island of its dumbness, and then send the ent to find land. He liked the idea so he started. It took awhile. Actually about 3000 years. But since Legolas was an elf, it really didn't feel that long. The tree was cured of its dumbness, and was now officially an ent. Legolas named it George.

George was ready to be sent on its mission. It left and came back an hour later, and said land was just over that hill. Legolas really wasn't on an island, but on a continent. He realized he had been there before for vacation, but scared everyone away and nobody ever came back. He felt really stupid for not searching the other side of the island. But then again, it could've been infested with wargs, which are attracted to hair care products.

Legolas was now in the far future, which was not something he liked very much. He missed the original middle-earth, where everything was natural and non-Orthancish. So Legolas went to the local time- travel dealership, and went back home. He promptly fell off the cliff again and landed on the island. He decided this time to go to the other side, but in the middle of the forest, he was attacked by wargs.

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Author notes- Probably my favorite chapter yet, and most likely the latest. It is officially 12:42 AM, and I am supposed to be asleep. I can't sleep. And decided to warm the computer up, and type this which had been brewing for awhile. I can't wait for late today, because I have a Switchfoot concert! Please Review!


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